灯行

不完全型精神分裂,脑内三十人圆桌会议,精神裁判的判决是死刑。

【LinkinPark】致Chaz

        其实我刚刚成为林肯公园的歌迷。
        这几天压力一直很大,心情极度低落烦躁,整个人深陷低气压,自己身体也不是特别好,最近更是透支身体工作,一天四小时不到的睡眠,对于工作完成得不好的失望,加上被人连番地训斥,我几乎进了医院。
        只想着,结束吧,我不想活了。
        昨天失眠,打开手机不知道干什么好,最后决定听歌。
        听什么呢?
        突然想起《不服来战》(大概有人看过)里出现了一瞬间的《Numb》,就找来听。
        音乐响起来的一瞬间,我突然觉得,这首我以前从未听过的歌,熟悉得令人难以置信。
        我听了很多遍,然后打开歌词。
        I’m tired of being what you want me to be
  Feeling so faithless,lost under the surface
  Don't know what you're expecting of me
  Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
  [Caught in the undertow,just caught in the undertow]
  Every step that I take is another mistake to you
  [Caught in the undertow,just caught in the undertow]
  I've become so numb,I can't feel you there
  I've become so tired,so much more aware
  I've becoming this,all I want to do
  Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
  Holding too tightly,afraid to lose control
  'Cause everything that you thoughtI would be
  Has fallen apart right in front of you
  [Caught in the undertow,just caught in the undertow]
  Every step that I take is another mistake to you
  [Caught in the undertow,just caught in the undertow]
  And every second I waste is more than I can take
  I'vebecome so numb,I can't feel you there
  I've become so tired,so much more aware
  I've becoming this,all I want to do
  Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know
  I may end up failing too
  But I know
  You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
  I've become so numb,I can't feel you there
  I've become so tired,so much more aware
  I've becoming this,all I want to do
  Is be more like meand be less like you
        I’ve become so numb,I can’t feel you there
        [Is everything what you want me to be]
        I’ve become so numb,I can’t feel you there
        [Is everything what you want me to be]
        是啊,我在这声嘶力竭的呐喊与压抑的低语中听出了共鸣。
        于是我往下听,一首接着一首。
        我的英语水平一般,但是听歌词和即时翻译还可以,所以我一边听,一边找到了慰藉。
        听着听着,我突然就哭了。
        这世界的确没那么美好,但我们要坚强。
        那一刻,我不想死了。
        我的的确确觉得,我找到了我的救赎,Chaz和Linkin Park的各位是我的天使,他们拯救了我,一个远在世界另一端的与他们素昧平生的人。
        They did save my life and my soul.
        我不知道这些歌写成时,他们是怎么想的,但我只希望,他们也已找到他们的救赎。
        我听着LP的歌,想着以后要找机会听一场他们的演唱会,就这样沉沉睡去,一夜好眠,不再惊醒或悄悄哭泣,安安稳稳地睡了最近最好的一觉。
        今天早上七点多一点,我打开手机调出《Numb》,一边听一边拉下面板看刚收到的新闻提示。
        第一条是:林肯公园主唱上吊自杀。
        我手机掉到了腿上。
        我登录了外网,找到了相关消息,很认真地看了一遍,然后又是一遍。接下来所有的人都看向我,不知道这个人为什么会泪流满面。
        我记得很清楚,如果按照外网新闻报道,当我打开手机,找到《Numb》并开始播放的时候,几乎就是他上吊的时候。
        上帝啊。
        我从未像在那一刻那样清楚地感觉到上帝的存在。
        我身边的人都认为,摇滚是叛逆,是非主流,是坏孩子才喜欢的,连上帝(我信教)都要求教民们遵守教义,不可违拗不可顶撞。但我知道,摇滚不是人们想象的那样,那只是一个人对自己的安抚与承诺。
        上帝不欣赏摇滚乐,但我们欣赏。
        我欠你一张演唱会门票。
        愿你终究找到自己的归宿,做一只自由的鹰,挣脱所有枷锁。
        晚安,愿你好梦,醒来前方的路便一马平川,向前去,不回头。
        晚安,Chester Bennington.


                                                ——For Chester Bennington
                                                                         2017.7.21

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